Did you hear of the story of the midget who brought the one bling to Mount Boom?
The dwarf, you mean. Midget is an offensive term you know.
No, you got it all wrong. It was a Hob-.
STOP! That word is cursed by the IP Gods!
Fine, it was a halfling named Hobo and his portly, half-manservant Haam.
Yes, that's what I heard.
Hobo threw the bling into the fire of Mount Boom and ended the Dark Lord Boron's reign, starting a new age. An age of men.
Ew, men are gross and smelly.
Agreed their presence pollutes the environment. But men are not all bad.
Perhaps, orcs are worse.
I suppose so. YOu get orce if bury a rotting man, and let it ferment for a few weeks. Out comes a stinky savage orc.
Wait, Isn't that a zombie or something?
I can't tell the difference most of the time. They're both ugly, smelly creatures. I suppose one looks better. The zombie that is.
You callin' us stinky and ugly you arrogant elven git!
I suppose we are, orc. What are you going to do about it?
I'm going to challenge you to a card game you arrogant git. Called Mana the Screwin'.
Hmm, you challenge me to a game of MTS? I'm surprised you have the money to fund a deck.
I'm gainfully employed you racist git.
And what do you do?
I screw up elves and hand their arrogant asses straight to their face! HARHARHAR.
Hmm, I suppose I walked right into that one.
Very well, challenge accepted dirty orc. Prepare to face my vert elven tribal deck.
Get ready to get stomped by my rouge goblins!
While those two lovebirds are playing Mana the Screwing, you want to set up a party for GnG?
What's GnG?
You've never heard of GnG? Why, it's the most popular TTRPG on this side of the Remembered Realms.
What's a TTRPG?
He gasped with unadulterated fright. You've never heard of TTRPGs before?
No I have never, sir.
They are the most fun whimsical thing you can do with your free time ever.
Really? How do you do it?
You use your imagination.
The noob gasp. Oh, my imagination as atrophied due to my excessive social media and technology use.
After the chad Brollum bit off Hobo's finger, sacrified himself and threw himself along with the One Bling into the fires of Mt. Boom, and after Lord Boron died of suicide from the loss of his financial investment from which he could never recover from the men took over they built communication technologies that degenerated into digital crack all in the name of profits.A new generation of younglings were exposed to this dark technology at a crucial time in their development and they degenerated into a bunch of anti-social Brollums.
The young lad who was one of these unfortunate degenerates never had the opportunity to use their imagination with their friends and learn to level up in the dangerous dungeons of GnG.
You have missed out greatly. Prepare to start GnG 5E.
Oh, wait. Don't you mean DnD which is published by a bunch of wizards of the coasts.
No. Doofuses and Dumbs is not a game for cultured and sophisticated people like us. We do not play Dnd here. We play GnG.
What about Pathfinder?
You mean, Wayfinder. It is too crunchy for young one.
Ok, fine. What is GnG?
Goblins and Grottos, the finest game published by Mages of the Shore which is owned by the esteemed toy company Hasbeens and also the creator of Mana the Screwing which our friends over there are playing.
I will be the GM, the Goblin Master while you are your friends must make characters to form a party.
Ooh, ooh, I want to be a Hob-
You cannot become that which is cursed by the IP Gods!
Fine, I'll be a halfling then.
I want to be a Behold-
No.
I want to be a Giant Eye of Doom.
You cannot roleplay as a monster.
Says who?
Says me. I have the final say.
I want to be a goblin slayer.
I'll be a human fighter who's sister got raped and murdered by smelly goblins who's developed an unhealthy attachment to hunting and genociding the goblin race. Whoo! His name will be Goblin Killer.
What about you halfling, what will your class be.
I guess I'll try to be like my hero Hobo and play as a rogue or something.
Fair enough.
And you?
I want to be wizard. He's a guy but he's also not really a guy. His name will be Grandalf the Gay.
Sounds okay for now I suppose.
What about you?
I want to be an elven ranger and his name is Legless because he's a cripple and needs a wheelchair to get around.
That sounds awful.
But he's a pro with a bow so he can still touch you even if you're far away.
Alright, sounds good.
What about you.
I want to be a dwarf warrior who's racist against elves named Dimli. He's really good with an axe.
So we have Hobo, a Halfling Rogue; and Goblin Killer the Human Fighter; Grandalf the Gay the Human-ish Wizard; Legless the crippled elf ranger; Dimli the Dwarf Fighter, and a Human Ranger named Scaragorn; and halflings named Snippin and Berry who are coming along for some reason.
Once there was an island called Aleria that had an active volcano in the middle. Dragons lived on this island. Some white-haired people decided to settle here because they liked the climate.
"This island is quite nice", they said.
"Surely, the active volcano won't screw us over any time soon because it's never happened before."
Oh boy, they were going to find out that this was not going to be the case.
"Anyways, there are also flying lizards that can breathe fire living around the island. If we can tame these beasts we can start an air force in the middle ages and become a world power almost instantly."
The dragons were scaly, grand, ferocious, intelligent beasts that were hard to tame. Humans though are a stubborn and more intelligent lot compared to dragons anyways. After a lot of trial and error, charred corpses, dead dragons, egg thievery, charred sheep, hurt feelings and tons of trauma the humans and dragons decided that they really needed to end the war. The humans and dragons came to an accord. THe humans would feed the dragon's ravenous hunger and in return, they could get the occasional joyride on the dragon. Both parties admitted it was a sweet deal for both parties. Why didn't they think of this ages before saving a lot of lives? Who knows. At least the island was united.
Back to the lands called Westios. Some men called the Vandals were looking for a new place to settle because they got bored of their old home. It was just overpopulated and full of vermin. They needed a fresh, clean place they could settle and pollute. They built rudimentary boats, sailed for a bit and found a new continent. They named it Westios because they had happened to sail west ( at least they thought so). The Vandals settled the land and soon developed into medieval fantasy land full of warring kingdoms and lords vying for the rule of the land.
The Allerians by this time had allied with the dragons and had heard word of warring kingdoms in Westios. Also the volcano in the middle decided to erupt and destroy most of the Allerian civilization so the Allerians needed to find a new place to settle.
"Well, it's time to go conquering stuff."
A guy named Eggon decided to lead the invasion.
"Let's go kill some Westiosians and show them who's boss."
Before he set sail though, he decided to marry his two sisters.
They didn't want to marry him because that would be incest but he threatened to throw them into the volcano if they refused so they agreed.
"Ew, that's gross. If they get horny and screw each other they're children are going to be retarded" You're right it is. The Allerians are weird though so let's accept it and carry on with the story.
Eggon came and landed on Westios, sent messengers and demanded the various kings of Westios to bend the knee to him. THey all came back with the same reply: "Bugger off you weird foreigner. Stay out of our petty wars." Their insolent responses sent Eggon into a petty rage. "This is not how you treat your future lord!" He sent them a message "You will all burn!" Send in the dragons!"
In response the lords decided to call a truce to show them this arrogant Eggon fellow who were the real players in the game. They sent their armies to meet up in field of wheat. It was a really dry time. There was a drought and the wheat fields were just really freaking dry. When the Westiosian armies arrived, they only saw Eggon and a few guards with him.
Eggon cried, "Surrender now. You have no chance against me. Bend the knee. Swear your loyalty to me and I will let you live!"
"You and that army?", the Westiosian cried. "We were tricked, why did we send armies when we could have sent a lame knight and his squire!" The Westiosians laughed with pure mirth.
Eggon was not amused. "Do you refuse my offer of peace?!"
They laughed in response.
"Very well, you shall all burn. Call in an air strike."
There was rumblings and roars in the sky. It was a bird, no it was a plane, no it was dragons.
Eggon's sister wives were riding two dragons towards the Westiosian armies as they watched in amazement, and then in terror as the dragons grew from the size of pinpoint dots to, well, the size of gigantic dragons that could swallow a dozen men whole in a single gulp. Once the Westiosians realized this, they ran for it.
From now on the lands will be called Westia because I'm tired of typing extra so the demonym will now be Westian instead of Westiosian saving quite a bit of key strokes.
Well, you remember how dry the wheat fields were right? Dragons can breathe fire for some reason and that's what the dragon riders did. They set the wheat fields on fire which would have only caused great famine on a good day but since some Westian armies were here they were also set alight. Humans aren't particularly flammable but dragon fire is hot enough to set most things alight and many people burned that day. Not Eggon though. Alerians were immune to flame for some reason so that's why they made decent dragon riders. A dragon soon learns to respect something it can't easily solve with fire.