it was all shit after cobol

the-future.cbl

IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
       PROGRAM-ID. MICROSERVICE-ARCHITECTURE.
       AUTHOR. SOME-BOOMER-WHO-INVENTED-THIS-STUFF.
       DATE-WRITTEN. 1959.
       DATE-COMPILED. BEFORE-YOUR-FRAMEWORK-EXISTED.
       
      * REVOLUTIONARY NEW CONCEPT: SEPARATING BUSINESS LOGIC!
      * (WE'VE ONLY BEEN DOING THIS FOR 65 YEARS)
       
       ENVIRONMENT DIVISION.
       CONFIGURATION SECTION.
       SOURCE-COMPUTER. IBM-MAINFRAME.
       OBJECT-COMPUTER. STILL-RUNNING-YOUR-BANK.
       
       DATA DIVISION.
       WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
       01  CUSTOMER-RECORD.
           05  CUSTOMER-ID         PIC 9(10).
           05  CUSTOMER-NAME       PIC X(30).
           05  ACCOUNT-BALANCE     PIC 9(10)V99.
           05  TRANSACTION-AMOUNT  PIC 9(8)V99.
           05  NEW-BALANCE         PIC 9(10)V99.
           
       01  RESPONSE-CODES.
           05  SUCCESS-CODE        PIC X(3) VALUE "200".
           05  ERROR-CODE          PIC X(3) VALUE "500".
           05  CURRENT-RESPONSE    PIC X(3).
           
      * LOOK MA, NO CONTAINERS! NO ORCHESTRATION! 
      * JUST RELIABLE CODE THAT PROCESSES BILLIONS OF TRANSACTIONS
       
       PROCEDURE DIVISION.
       MAIN-PROCESSING.
           DISPLAY "STARTING MICROSERVICE..."
           DISPLAY "(JUST KIDDING, THIS IS A MONOLITH FROM 1959)"
           
           MOVE 1234567890 TO CUSTOMER-ID
           MOVE "TRADITIONAL PROGRAMMER" TO CUSTOMER-NAME  
           MOVE 1000.00 TO ACCOUNT-BALANCE
           MOVE 50.00 TO TRANSACTION-AMOUNT
           
           PERFORM VALIDATE-TRANSACTION
           IF CURRENT-RESPONSE = SUCCESS-CODE
               PERFORM PROCESS-PAYMENT
               PERFORM SEND-RESPONSE
           ELSE
               PERFORM HANDLE-ERROR
           END-IF
           
           STOP RUN.
           
      * DOMAIN-DRIVEN DESIGN? WE CALL IT "BUSINESS LOGIC"
       VALIDATE-TRANSACTION.
           IF ACCOUNT-BALANCE >= TRANSACTION-AMOUNT
               MOVE SUCCESS-CODE TO CURRENT-RESPONSE
               DISPLAY "TRANSACTION VALIDATED (NO NPM PACKAGES NEEDED)"
           ELSE  
               MOVE ERROR-CODE TO CURRENT-RESPONSE
               DISPLAY "INSUFFICIENT FUNDS (SHOCKING CONCEPT, I KNOW)"
           END-IF.
           
      * EVENT-DRIVEN ARCHITECTURE? THAT'S JUST BATCH PROCESSING
       PROCESS-PAYMENT.
           COMPUTE NEW-BALANCE = ACCOUNT-BALANCE - TRANSACTION-AMOUNT
           MOVE NEW-BALANCE TO ACCOUNT-BALANCE
           DISPLAY "PAYMENT PROCESSED: " NEW-BALANCE
           DISPLAY "(RUNTIME: 0.001 SECONDS, NO GARBAGE COLLECTION)".
           
      * REST API? HOW ABOUT SOME REST FOR THE WEARY
       SEND-RESPONSE.
           DISPLAY "HTTP " SUCCESS-CODE " OK"
           DISPLAY "CONTENT-TYPE: TEXT/PLAIN"  
           DISPLAY "BODY: TRANSACTION SUCCESSFUL"
           DISPLAY "(SERIALIZED WITHOUT 47 JAVASCRIPT LIBRARIES)".
           
      * ERROR HANDLING THAT DOESN'T CRASH THE ENTIRE SYSTEM  
       HANDLE-ERROR.
           DISPLAY "HTTP " ERROR-CODE " ERROR"
           DISPLAY "MESSAGE: TRANSACTION FAILED"
           DISPLAY "(NO STACK OVERFLOW REQUIRED TO DEBUG THIS)".
           
      * END OF PROGRAM
      * UPTIME: 50+ YEARS AND COUNTING
      * DEPENDENCIES: ZERO
      * TECHNICAL DEBT: WHAT'S THAT?